Quiet and Chaos

So, as many of you may, or may not, at this point know, by mid to late July my parents are packing up our house, my little sister, and Minnalouche the meow, and moving to California. That’s right. California. Land of beaches, Disney Land, Hollywood, YouTubers galore, and most importantly, Silicon Valley.

See, for the past few years, my dad has been slowly training himself in the art of web development, and as it turns out, he’s pretty amazing at it. He’s done a ton of stuff to improve the website for his current employer, but he’s also built websites as a freelance developer for local companies. He’s ready, after 8 years (maybe more) with this company, to move on, and he discovered that he really can’t find the kind of work he’s looking for here. So…the question that has come up several times in the 10 years of my parents’ marriage reared its ugly head once more:  “Do we stay here, in a job that isn’t going anywhere anymore? Or, do we uproot and move across the country?”

Honestly, I think for dad, this was always going to be the final decision. He’s originally from Santa Cruz, and California has SO many opportunities for people in his field.

Of course…that leaves me.

What was I going to do? I’m settled at a good school, I’ve got close friends, a steady boyfriend, a steady job, and have finally settled into a place where I don’t feel like the “odd one out.” I fit where I am, for the first time in a really long time. So I chose to stay here, which of course brought with it its own set of questions. “Will I live on campus?” “Where will I live during the summer?” “Will I live in Cali during that time, and only be here for the school year?” “Can I even afford to stay on campus?”

Thankfully, my in state grandparents answered a fair amount of those questions, and the prayers we’d been sending out. They have an empty(ish) bedroom, and are both in state, and close enough to school that I’m not adding too much time to my commute. This means, I don’t have to live on campus, and I don’t have to move to California.

However, this also means that I will be living, not only apart from my family for the first time, but an entire country (almost) away.

I’ve been asked a lot how I’m feeling about this. By friends, family, my boyfriend asks constantly if I’m okay. And, I tell them, over and over, “I’m fine, it doesn’t bother me that much.” and “I’ll be okay, this is the right thing.”

Here’s the thing that they all know, I’m sure, but aren’t going to say to me, because they know how stubborn I am. I’m not okay. I just can’t say it aloud. I can barely write it. The days are stressful, and I’m basically panicking half the time. I spend a lot of time shrugging it off, and hanging out with friends, distancing myself from the situation.

I heard somewhere that a blog is supposed to be like a diary, only it’s public, and you have to be willing to be vulnerable. I’m not. Never have been. Probably my epic trust issues coming to the surface, but I don’t cry in front of people, and I don’t release my feelings very well.

So…In an effort to release some of them:

  1. I wrote this post. No it’s not all that I’m feeling, no, you probably won’t hear the rest of it here, but hopefully this has broken some of the ice still lingering.
  2. I recorded another video.

This song is from the musical version of Roald Dahl’s Matilda. It’s called quiet, and it pretty much sums up how it feels to be surrounded by stress, and how I feel a lot of the time right now. There are so many thoughts running through my head at once, that it’s a sort of chaos, and I’m not sure how to express it to those around me.

 

Love to all, As always,

Mae

P.S. Please click the title of the video and go watch on YouTube if you can.

 

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One thought on “Quiet and Chaos

  1. Absolutely gorgeous, Mae! I know your mom through blogging/Instagram and was wondering how the move affects you. When I was 17 I moved across the country from my family and it was emotional and at times difficult but beautiful in many ways – I wouldn’t change it one bit. Praying that peace comes in big to help you through the adjustments. ❤

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